The 4 Hidden Relationship Patterns Keeping You Stuck (And How to Shift Them)
Have you ever felt like you’re doing everything for your relationship, but no matter how much effort you put in, he still feels distant? Maybe he gives you just enough attention to keep you hoping, but never enough to make you feel truly secure. One day, he’s warm and present, and the next, he seems emotionally unavailable—or worse, disappears.
If this feels familiar, you’re not alone.
Thousands of women find themselves stuck in push-pull dynamics, not knowing whether to hold on or let go. You might be wondering:
👉 Is it me? Did I do something wrong?
👉 Why does he pull away every time things start to feel good?
👉 Should I just move on and stop wasting my time?
👉 But what if I’m meant to be with him?
The truth is, you’re likely trapped in one of four hidden relationship patterns that control how you experience love.
Once you see these patterns, you’ll finally understand why your relationships have felt so frustrating—and what to do next to create a deeper connection.
Why Understanding These Patterns Is Life-Changing
Most women stuck in on-again, off-again relationships feel confused, heartbroken, and unsure of what to do.
But when you identify your specific pattern, everything starts making sense. You’ll see that it’s not just about this man—it’s about deeper dynamics that have likely repeated in different relationships.
Once you see the pattern, you can break free. Instead of staying stuck in frustration, analyzing every text, and overthinking his every move, you can shift into real connection, self-trust, and clarity.
Are you ready?
The 4 Hidden Relationship Patterns That Keep You Stuck
In every relationship, there are two dynamics at play:
Him – Is he showing up as steady and available, or is he avoidant and distant?
You – Are you coming from a place of anxious attachment, or are you also showing avoidant behaviors?
Let’s go deeper into each of these patterns.
Pattern #1: The “Move On” Pattern (Avoidant + Avoidant)
Women in this pattern often say:
“I will stay away from avoidant men.”
“I’m done with emotionally unavailable guys.”
“If he doesn’t step up, I’m out.”
This pattern develops when both partners are avoidant—they fear intimacy, so they subconsciously keep each other at a distance.
At first, it feels like you’re setting strong boundaries. But underneath, it’s often a defense mechanism. You might have been deeply hurt before, and instead of risking more pain, you’ve learned to shut down quickly.
💡 What You’re Missing:
While walking away from a man who isn’t treating you well is healthy, shutting down emotionally before exploring deeper connection might be a way of protecting yourself from vulnerability.
If you always say, “I’m done,” without ever looking at the deeper emotional wounds driving this reaction, you miss the chance for real intimacy.
🚀 Shifting Out of This Pattern:
Ask yourself: Am I avoiding connection because I truly don’t want it—or because I fear being hurt?
Many women choose to believe that the only way to protect themselves is to cut off avoidant men completely. “I’ll stay away from avoidant men,” they say. But what if you’re missing out on deep connection and personal growth?
Take Veslemoy—she had just come out of a heartbreak and felt like giving up on love. She told me, “Juliana, is this really possible?” She doubted if she could ever find a man who would show up for her emotionally. But instead of shutting down and avoiding men altogether, she chose to shift her energy. She worked on her internal alignment, and within just eight weeks, she had not only moved on from heartbreak but found herself in a new, thriving relationship.
This is proof that shutting down isn’t the only way to protect yourself. Growth comes from learning how to navigate emotional connections—not avoiding them altogether.
Pattern #2: The “Hot & Cold” Cycle (Anxious + Avoidant)
This is one of the most exhausting and painful patterns—and also the most common.
Women in this pattern often say:
“I feel like I’m chasing him.”
“Why does he pull away when I try to get closer?”
“It’s so hot and cold—I don’t know where I stand.”
You’re anxious and craving reassurance, and he’s avoidant and overwhelmed by closeness. This triggers a never-ending cycle:
You seek closeness → He feels smothered and pulls away
He pulls away → Your anxiety spikes, and you chase
You chase → He withdraws even more
And the cycle repeats.
💡 What You’re Missing:
It’s not that you’re too much or he’s just broken—it’s that your attachment styles are triggering each other.
🚀 Shifting Out of This Pattern:
Instead of focusing on getting reassurance from him, learn how to regulate your own emotional safety first. When you stop reacting anxiously, he will start leaning in naturally.
This pattern feels like an emotional rollercoaster. One day, he’s all in. The next, he’s cold and distant. It leaves you questioning everything—Did I do something wrong? Why is he acting this way? How do I fix this?
Susie was caught in this exact cycle. She was dating an amazing man for six months, but he was starting to withdraw. She felt she was losing him, and in panic mode, she almost broke up with him. Then, realizing what she had done, she became desperate to get him back.
At first, she tried harder—over-communicating, checking in, seeking reassurance—but it only pushed him further away. Once she shifted her approach and rebalanced her energy, things changed almost overnight.
Within three days, he started responding differently. In just four weeks, they fully reconnected.
Now, they’re building a strong family together—a relationship that almost ended because of the anxious-avoidant trap.
The lesson? You don’t need to chase or overcompensate. When you shift your energy, he naturally comes closer.
Pattern #3: The “Not for Me” Pattern (Avoidant + Steady)
You’ve met a good man—he’s emotionally available, steady, and consistent. But…
“I don’t feel a spark.”
“He’s too nice.”
“There’s no passion—it’s just boring.”
If you’ve spent years in on-again, off-again relationships, your nervous system might be wired to see chaos as passion.
A steady man feels unfamiliar, so your brain interprets it as “boring” or “not the right match.”
💡 What You’re Missing:
A lack of anxiety is not a lack of love. If you’ve been conditioned to chase validation from distant men, genuine security can feel like “no chemistry.”
🚀 Shifting Out of This Pattern:
Before dismissing a steady man, give yourself time to rewire what love feels like. Sometimes, attraction grows when your nervous system finally feels safe.
Sometimes, we meet a man who is steady, reliable, and emotionally available—yet we don’t feel the deep pull toward him. It feels boring, and we convince ourselves, “He’s just not for me.”
That’s exactly what Amy thought. She was highly self-developed—a coach herself—but she still found herself drawn to men who triggered her anxiety. When she met someone stable, her first instinct was to pull away because she wasn’t used to the feeling of security.
Instead of writing him off, she chose to lean into the unfamiliarity of stability. She worked through her subconscious avoidance patterns, and within 10 weeks, she reconnected with him in a deeper, more secure way than before.
The truth is, "boring" isn't the absence of attraction—it's the absence of chaos. If you’ve been conditioned to think love should feel like highs and lows, you might be pushing away the very thing that could bring you lasting happiness.
Pattern #4: The “Jackpot” (Anxious + Steady)
This is the ideal relationship dynamic—you may still have anxious tendencies, but your partner is steady and reassuring.
But women in this pattern often say:
“Something feels missing.”
“Shouldn’t love feel more exciting?”
“It’s great, but I don’t feel butterflies.”
If you’re used to push-pull relationships, this can feel too calm.
💡 What You’re Missing:
Love shouldn’t feel like anxiety. The fact that it feels “boring” might mean your system is finally at peace.
🚀 Shifting Into Deep Connection:
Learn to recognize healthy love—where you don’t have to chase, prove yourself, or worry if he’s going to disappear.
When you’re used to instability, a relationship that feels safe and steady can feel almost unnatural. You might catch yourself waiting for the other shoe to drop or overanalyzing his actions.
This was Sonia’s experience. She was in a living-together relationship but was constantly arguing with her partner. She felt frustrated—like she was doing all the work emotionally, and yet their connection kept feeling off. She wondered, “Is there hope for us at all?”
Through the Bring Him Closer Method, she learned how to step into her power without pushing him away. Within 12 weeks, their dynamic completely shifted—from daily fights to a deeply loving and secure relationship. Now, instead of questioning where they stand, they’re planning a future together.
The biggest shift for women in this pattern? Trusting that love isn’t supposed to feel like uncertainty. Stability doesn’t mean a lack of excitement—it means a strong foundation for passion and connection to thrive.
The Bigger Lesson: You Can Flip Your Love Story
No matter which pattern you recognize yourself in, the truth is—you can shift it.
💡 If you’re avoidant, you don’t need to shut down to protect yourself.
💡 If you’re anxious, you don’t need to chase him to keep him close.
💡 If you’re stuck in push-pull, you don’t need to live in a cycle of uncertainty.
💡 If you’re avoiding a healthy man, you don’t need to run from love.
The power to create the relationship you want is already in your hands. You just need the right framework to make it happen.
What’s Next? Book a Call to Shift Your Relationship Patterns
If you’re ready to stop second-guessing your love life and start experiencing deep, secure love, we’d love to help.
💬 Book a free call to see how the Bring Him Closer Method can help you break through these patterns and create the love life you deserve.
Let’s talk and see how we can support you on this journey. You don’t have to figure this out alone. 💖